One day, my daughter came home from school looking rather dejected. I asked her how school was and she just shrugged. She had been like this for months. Then, one day, out of the blue, she came home in great spirits! When I asked her about her day, this is what she said:
"There is this big kid who has been bullying other kids at school. He pushes them, he says mean things, he's really not nice. AND, he thinks he's better than everyone else!"
"Why doesn't the principal do something?" I asked.
"Well, this kid has been sent to the office, but he hasn't done anything serious enough to get kicked out."
"So what happened today that makes yo so happy?" I asked.
"Someone finally stood up to him!" she says excitedly. "Everyone's calling him a hero! He said he was tired of being picked on, and he was going to do something about it! And he did, he hit that bully right in the nose! He didn't see it coming! He bent over holding his nose, he was crying, and bleeding, and everyone was cheering for the hero!"
"Wow," I said, "that's...something. I wonder what tomorrow will be like at school."
"It's going to be great! The bully is no more!" and she skipped away happy for the first time in a long time.
The next day when she came home, I thought the worst had happened. She was in shock and her eyes were big and wet. I thought, Oh, no! There's been a school shooting, or her favorite teacher has been in an accident, or...
"What's wrong? What happened?" I asked her trying to sound calm but going through a number of parental concerns that this could be.
"That kid who took out the bully? He's been suspended. And the bully is back in school!"
"Oh, I see."
"I asked the principal why he let that bully back but punished the hero. I mean, he stood up to the bully! He stopped that bully! He saved us from getting our feelings hurt anymore! I don't understand how this could happen!"
"What did your principal say," I asked.
"He said that although the bully was disruptive and unruly, the other kid (our hero) was wrong to punch him! The bully has a broken nose, and it won't heal properly. He might even have trouble breathing. Even though he didn't pick on anyone today, he still looks mean. And he gave everyone a mean look, so no one said anything to him, or even went near him! I just don't understand. If the hero was trying to do something good, doesn't that make what he did okay?"
"Well..." I said, "did the bully actually hurt anyone?"
"No."
"When he pushed other kids, did they get sent to the nurse?"
"No."
"So, the bully never actually hurt anyone, other than feelings. Right?"
"Yeah, but he was mean and said bad things! That makes him wrong! Doesn't it?"
"And your hero... he hit someone else and sent him to the nurse, and probably to the hospital. Just because he didn't like what the other kid was saying?"
"Yeah." The look on her face as realization was hitting was both heartbreaking, but also warming. She was growing up.
"Violence, no matter which side it is on, is in itself bad. There are better ways to deal with a side that is not your own. I know this kid who picks on everyone at school. His dad beats him while his mom recovers from drugs in a rehab center. he's mean to others because he doesn't know what else to do. He doesn't know what it's like to have someone care for him and show him other ways to deal with his issues. And so, he takes it out on others at school. But he doesn't hit, because his dad does that, and he does know that that is bad. And now, someone at school has just suddenly hit him hard in the nose! Hit him just like his dad hits him. What will he think of the world now?"
My daughter began crying. "What do I do?"
"Show him kindness, no matter what he does or says. Plant the seed, and one day it will grow and flower." I hugged her, and she said she would be the person she wished he could be! I am so proud of her!